The disease of recurring anxiety and depression can change a person if it lets you. Not for the better but for, the worse. Depression is a serious condition that many individuals struggle with every day. I'm "lucky" enough to only fight that fight a few times in my life, and unfortunately, when my brain decides to go down that road, it doesn't take into consideration my scheduled commitments. Doesn't it know I've got stuff to do?!?
When that feeling hits, you'll do anything to make it stop without regard for the importance of the event or how it may make you look afterward. You'll do whatever it takes to get better and, as I wrote in my previous blog post, that commitment was to step out of the PowerShell Summit speaking gig I had scheduled.
With that being said though, I was present the Courtyard hotel on Wednesday evening, and some believed that this was a slap in the face for the PowerShell community. I can understand this, but my reasons need some explanation.
When someone struggles with episodes of anxiety and depression, it takes a lot of energy just to keep up with daily life. With someone in my position that has lots of commitments and sometimes struggles with way too much work to do, these commitments exacerbate these problems. However, the best way to get out of this state is just to keep rolling with life as much as possible regardless of how hard it is. This is why I decided to keep my commitment to record a Pester Microsoft Virtual Academy course on Microsoft campus on Thursday as I was already scheduled to do that as well.
Being able to fulfill half of my commitments that I had during this week was a big accomplishment when I really wanted to just stay home in my comfy zone and have no part of it. This was a huge win for me, and I'm so glad I didn't let this mental issue of mine overcome me. If you're struggling with similar issues, the best way to get past them is to just force yourself past that period of uneasiness. Do this enough, and you'll be on your way to recovery.
Also, I've heard the statement that my previous post on anxiety and depression was "career-limiting". I've never been one to care about what only looks good. I speak from the heart and will never quell my words just because it sounds like there might be an inkling of a chance that someone may view it in a negative life. WYSIWYG (What you see is what you get) from me. I will always be open to everyone not only to help myself speak about "soft" things like this but also in hopes of helping others struggling with the same issues.
With that being said, I apologize to all that I let down that was looking forward to meeting and seeing me present on Unit Testing with Pester and Infrastructure Testing with Pester. However, I intend to still present that content although virtually perhaps over something like Youtube Live. Stay tuned to my @adbertram Twitter account for details on that.
At first, I thought I was going to write off public speaking altogether, but I've realized that's not the answer. I'm going to slow down but will begin participating in small gatherings in hopes of eventually getting back to doing larger conferences.
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